Hello

So it has been sometime since I last posted to this blog.  Over three years ago was my last post. In the three years a lot has happened with me.  I moved my mom from Iowa to live with me as her health was becoming a challenge.  My father passed away.  I got a new position at work.  I could go on but that would start to get boring.  So I am going to commit to writing on my blog at  least once a week for my own sanity.  Let's face it it can be fun to get some things off of your chest or to even just share.  I am not sure who reads this but I am on my way to once again becoming a fabulous girl.  Until next time...

What is Holding You Back From Your Dreams?

This is a question that I have asked myself over the years. What is really holding me back? I tell myself that I don't know but I do know that it is a journey that I must undertake. Whatever holds us back causes us to continuously fall short of achieving our dreams. Me, well I have always been a dreamer, however, over the years I have allowed my dreams to become stifled. I am now in the process of trying to recapture that spirit that allowed me to dream. I am trying to recapture that drive that I had before that will embolden me to move forward. When you allow your dreams to die you slowly begin to die yourself. I know that we have many reasons for putting our dreams and ourselves on the back burner. I would venture to say that this is a huge contributing factor to why many of us have found ourselves overweight. Now there are always reasons...family, school, work, illness, death, moving...you can go on and on and on. However, we need to take some time to stop and realize that we cannot be good to those around us when we fail to be good to ourselves. I am not judging. I am simply stating what I have done. I have been instrumental in helping countless others achieve their dreams. I love to see those I love happy and I do whatever I can to make sure that they are. At the same time however, I put me and my dreams on the back burner. I used to feel as if it was selfish to explore my dreams and therefore they have begun to fade. But...it is not too late. I am asking you to join me. I am going to consciously start seeking my dreams once again. This does not mean that I am going to stop helping others but I will stop holding myself back. I will stop allowing my body image to hold me back. I will stop allowing others to put me last while constantly putting them first. I will continue to grow, to love, and to dream. I invite you to do the same. Let me know by leaving a comment what dream you are going to explore. Don't wait until you get thin start on it now! If you are willing to share I would love to hear it.

Thank You Body!

You know I did something that I try to avoid as much as possible these days and that is look in the mirror. I mean really look. I do this to make sure that my clothes, makeup and hair look presentable or that my fat rolls are not really apparent. But today I really took a good look. I took the time to look at my round face, my breast, my belly, my thighs, yes I took a minute to take it all in. I would be the first to admit that my body is no where near what I want it to be BUT IT IS MINE. I have over the years allowed myself to go out of control. I have ballooned to the heaviest weight of my life and this is not good. As a result of the extra weight I have water retention, I have PCOS, and I was recently diagnosed with a mild case of sleep apnea that the doctor said could honestly go away with weight loss.

When people see me they don't believe that I could be shy or insecure on some levels. However, I am here to tell you that it is true. I have allowed myself to sit in the corner and hold the purses while all of my friends dance. I have allowed my spark to hide behind my fat. I have allowed my self worth to be determined to a great deal by the outside package. It is possible to be those things and appear to be part of why I have allowed my body to become as the charts would put it morbidly obese. I have gone on this journey in the past only to fail again and again. I have made excuses like I am just a big girl. I don't look that big. I like me the way I am. But today I am saying here and now that this will be my journey to success. I am going to let my little light shine (or rather my spark :) ). My journey to my current weight was not a short one. I have always been taller than average. I have always been a little larger but it was in my early 20's that I started to creep up more and more and more. I remember the first time that I topped 200 lbs and I was devastated but like many things in life I allowed myself to be okay with that until the weight continued to pile on. I refuse to be looking back talking about when I first topped 300 lbs and so on and so forth.

So where do I start? Well I am on SparkPeople again. I am also using my tools from WW and I am trying to really look inside to figure out what is eating me that keeps me from putting myself and my health first. While I have been gaining the weight my body has still been allowing me to be relatively healthy. I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have diabetes, I don't have high cholesterol, and I can finish most workouts that I start. Therefore I want to start out by thanking my body for not giving up on me even when it appears that I have given up on it! THANK YOU BODY!!!!!!

Now I owe you! I promise to honor you the best way that I know how. I will use the resources that I have to make sure that you are strong and healthy. I will make sure that you represent the beauty that I have inside. I will even love you the way that are today because you have not betrayed me the way that I have betrayed you. Although loving you the way that you are is empowering it does not mean that we will not change together. I will love you as we evolve but I will not beat myself or you up for not being what I want right now.

So thank you body. Thank you so much even though I have let you down. I will continue to be me but better. I thank you for hanging in there with me.

Together we are going to do this thing and be better for it. I'm not the average girl from your video, and I ain't built like a supermodel but I learned to love my self unconditionally because I am a queen. my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes, no matter what I am wearing I will always be me (paraphrase from India.Arie's song Video). Love, Me

Wow, I Can't Believe It!

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Honestly, I really feel as if I have a ton to say but I don't always find the time to sit down and share it all. I recently had my 39th birthday and needless to say it has shaken me up a bit. I don't mean this in a bad way because I honestly feel that I only have two options I can keep living and in turn keep getting older or I can die. Uhhh, I choose the former. With that in mind I came back here to look at the goals that I set when I turned 38 to see where I am. I did okay but not great. I have had some things go on with me in my life in the past year that have taught me a few things. Some of the lesson have been hard and I am sure that in some form or another I will share them at some point on this blog. Well this is what I laid out last year...let's check my progress:

• Continue to exercise and finally put a bigger dent in my weight loss (still working out but I have not lost anymore weight. I am moving this to my list for this year because I refuse to give up!). I know that I need to set more concrete goals so I will start holding myself more accountable on this blog and on my page on Sparkpeople.com. Look me up as Mslady327.
• Continue to improve myself financially (yes work on getting out of debt) I am doing a debt repayment plan and trying to start working on building up my savings...hopefully I will be almost done by this time next year
• Pay more attention to my personal style (I do good with this most days but I am becoming pretty "regular" with my choices. ) I want to feel more confident as well. I don't always feel as if my style truly reflects who I am on the inside. I think that I allow what is going on with me taint that...work in progress
  
• Take steps towards a career that I truly love- I applied to a grad program for education but I have not done much more. I was actually thinking about joining a nationally known program to do this quicker but I missed the deadline. I may even do this for next year. I have also started working on "the next great chic lit"

• Turn at least one of my ideas into a moneymaker - see above
  
• Focus more on the positive - I do this daily so this is ongoing.

• Get my motorcycle license-checking into classes for the spring.

People are asking me how does it feel to be 39 and I can only say at this time that it feels the same as 38 but I guess it sneaks up on you. Well until next time

Peace and Blessings

Fab Girl

Single Girl Behaviors

Okay so I am like many thirty-something chicks who followed Sex and the City when it was a weekly staple on HBO. In each episode Carrie would pose a question in which the whole episode was surrounded. One particular episode that struck a cord with me was the one about Carrie not wanting to move in with her current boyfriend because she was not ready to give up her "single girl behaviors". For Carrie it was the fact that she liked to eat saltines right out of the sleeve while standing up in the kitchen. She also had a closet that was always in chaos and besides how could she share such valuable real estate? Well, all of this got me to thinking what are the single girl behaviors that I would have to give up if I were to live with someone. I often say that I would love to have a mate but at the same time there are wome things that I guess I would have to change...yes some single girl behaviors. Here is the short list:

• Catching up on my soap operas every week via marathons on Soapnet
• Eating chocolate chip cookies as my bedtime snack often in bed
• Watching Bridezilla and Platinum Weddings
• One of my closets
• Eating ice cream right out of the container ( I don't do this often but still)
• Having to check in with my mate...argh!
• I would have to go undercover with all of the grooming rituals...yes they shall remain a mystery. Although this could only last for so long as he would eventually realize that I don't look perfect all of the time.

Okay so that is just a random thought that was going across my mind. What are some of the single girl behaviors that you are reluctant to give up or have already given up? Please share. I promise to update the blog more now that my life has calmed down a bit.

Until next time

FabGirl

Thirty Eight and Counting...

Okay, so I am coming up on the anniversary of my 38th year of life. Okay that is a long winded way of saying my birthday is almost here. I honestly cannot believe how fast time has flown. One of the questions that you often get on your birthday is how does it feel to be (insert age here) but I really don't have an answer except that it feels the same as yesterday...in some ways. I don't know about others but I do see how time just flies. I am not saying this in a morbid way but it really does just go on by. I will admit that some things are starting to ring more in my head including when/if I am going to have children. If I will ever meet Mr. Right for me...I am just sayin

You know many people make New Years Resolutions...I am going to start moving my New Year to my birthday. That way it can be all about me. There are things that we put off. people that we don't tell we love, good glasses (dishes, clothing, or whatever) that we don't use unless we have a special occasion. The more I live I really realize that everyday...yes every mundane day is a special occasion. It is my choice as to how I choose to celebrate each and every day. My birthday resolutions for 2009 are as follows:

• Continue to exercise and finally put a bigger dent in my weight loss
• Continue to improve myself financially (yes work on getting out of debt)
• Pay more attention to my personal style (I do good with this most days but I am becoming pretty "regular" with my choices.
• Take steps towards a career that I truly love
• Turn at least one of my ideas into a moneymaker
• Focus more on the positive
• Get my motorcycle license

Okay, that is just a starter list. I will check them off as I finish and you can feel free to hold me accountable.

Now on with the show.

A year older and a lot wiser.

Fab Girl

This Moment...This Time

I took the day off from work today so that I could stay home to watch all of the Inauguration events. I really wanted to be in the midst but since I didn't get a golden ticket...I did the next best thing and watched the coverage on CNN and ABC. I know that this day will go down in history. It will be one of those things that go down with other major events of past. You know the ones where people ask you "where were you when...?" I will now be able to honestly say to a child of color that they can really be President of the United States. I know that President Obama is not a savior of any sorts. I know that he has a great task ahead of him. I know that he will not be able to do everything in a short 8 year piece of time. However, to try to express how I feel inside is really...well difficult. You know one of things that they do when you are watching all of the commentary is to throw out a bunch of facts. A few of the most bone chilling include:
· The US Capital was built by slaves
· The White House was built by slaves
· The US Constitution that our new President swears to protect stated that Black men were 3/5 of a man
· In many states when President Obama was born his parents were not allowed to marry due to his father being black and his mother being white.
· As he said in his speech there were lunch counters that would not serve his father.
So to say that we have come a long way is an understatement. I do understand how some people are not for Obama and his presidency and to them I say you have that right. However, I do support this president at this moment and at this time.
I was born in the United States and most likely I will die in the United States as there is no greater country in my opinion. However, I do have this stirring inside, this kinship with my country that I have never before felt.
I am excited about the possibilities, I am excited about a young beautiful first family, I am excited about a dynamic first lady whom I really would like to emulate. You know there used to be a saying when Michael Jordan was playing ball… “I wanna be like Mike” this was catchy and lots of people were singing it. Now you have young people (and old) saying that they are going to do it like Barack. You now have ladies saying that they want to follow in the steps of the new First Lady (you can count me in on this one).
I promise that I will do all that I can to help make the dreams and goals that are right for our country via this presidency a reality.

I Want To Be A Big Loser

Okay I admit it….this chick scares me! I don’t know if anyone that reads this blog watches the Biggest Loser but in case you don’t this lady is Jillian Michaels and she is just plain “Bad Ass”. A couple of years ago I braved the cold for several hours so that I could “audition” to be on the Biggest Loser to be tortured (I mean motivated) by either her or the other trainer Bob. If by any chance you have never seen this show it starts off with a group of very obese people and these trainers work them out, talk with them and teach them new ways of eating all with the end goal of winning cash but most importantly winning over their weight. It is not uncommon for the people on the show to loose 15-20 pounds in one week with just diet and intense exercise. By the time the time the end of the season arrives the end result is amazing...so much so you almost cannot recognize the individual that used to be hidden behind all of the weight.

There were so many different people out there who had one thing in common we were all overweight.. The line took forever. Who would have thought that so many fat people (and some of us were really fat) could STAND in line for several hours (admittedly a few brought chairs). Let me first say that I thought I was so in! First of all I have a considerable amount of weight to loose. Second of all the producers came and pulled me out of line and they had me say (into the camera none the less) “My name is “Fab Girl” and I am the Biggest Loser”…I waited with baited breath hoping that I would get a call back but needless to say I did not. As a side note I want to share the one thing that my Godson said to me when I got home that evening.

Snugglebug: “Did they pick you for the Biggest Loser?”
Me: Well I don’t know yet they are supposed to call me back
Snugglebug: “Well I hope they do

A couple of days past

Snugglebug: Did they call you yet?
Me: No, I don’t think they are going to call
Snugglebug: Well, if they don’t I know why
Me: Really? Why?
Snugglebug: Because you are not fat enough

Okay, it may sound silly but he was only 6 at the time and that was the best thing that he could have said to me.

I have not seen the Biggest Loser this season but I do have it taped on my DVR and I watch it for some motivation.

I know every year brings about this thing about wanting to lose weight. I did do pretty good during 2008 I lost about 30 pounds but I recently gained about 10 back. I need to get back on the stick because I was in tears last year at this time because I was at my all time high as far as weight. Now back to Jillian Michaels this chick is just hard not only in body but in grit. She really gets results from her team.

However, my personal favorite on the show is Bob Harper… I think that he is cute and he is a great trainer but he doesn’t scream at you, I am pretty sure that I am not his cup of tea, but the fact that this cute guy is making me exercise will guarantee at least a few pounds a week.
I have decided that I am going to up my pledge to myself this year and really devote myself to becoming a better me. I don’t know if I will ever be rock hard like Jillian but I am going to continue on my journey to be the best me that I can be. I will start putting myself and my health first. So yeah you read right...I want to be a big loser in the best way possible.

Sentimental Moment

Okay so today I had a sentimental moment. I admit that I am a sentimental person in general but today I had a special moment. Let me explain. I had an aunt (yes had she has since left this earth) who I will call The Wicked Witch of the Midwest (WW for short). Well WW and I had a history before she died (I will write about that later). Well I was living in Chicago at the time and WW was living there as well. I was working at one of my first real jobs after college and I had a jacket that I wore. Anyone who has experienced a Chicago winter will attest that a jacket just will not do it when it is cold. Well anyhew I did not see her that much but I went over her house one day to drop something off to her. Well the following conversation began:

WW: "Is that the only coat that you have?"

Me: "Yes, but it is okay"

WW: " You need a better coat"

Me: " No, I am fine" *all the while thinking that I am cold as hell

Well I went on about my way becuase as I said WW and I were not and had not been on very good terms and I was only going over there because my mom wanted me to help her sister. Well a couple of weeks later I get a call from WW asking me to meet her downtown at a tall girls store. I still did not get what was up but basically when I met her there she told the lady that her niece needed a coat. Okay, now I had a lot of animosity for WW due to our past. I did not walk around all of the time with these feelings in fact I had filed them away and decided not to deal with her but I was honestly touched that she had went out of her way to make sure that I had a decent winter coat.

Here lies the sentimentality of today...I put on the coat for the first time this winter. I have had this coat for about 8 years now and the zipper is hanging on by it's last thread, the pockets have holes. However, when I put it on this morning I got a warm feeling about WW thinking enough to bring me downtown to buy me this new coat. Now, things did not get warm and fuzzy by any means after all of this but I saw a glimpse of the aunt that I used to love when I was little. I was really confused as to how she could do something so nice out of the blue when she had done and said so many horrible things in the past. I had to stop and realize it for the blessing that it was...because my little butt was freezing.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hey I just wanted to take a moment to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. I know that in spite of whatever craziness I have going on in my life I should take time out to be thankful. I am thankful for so many things and people in my life. I am thankful for my relationship with God that I am always working on. I am thankful for my family and real friends. I am thankful for all of the things that make me smile.

Speaking of happiness and smiling...tomorrow is Black Friday...ohhh so scarey. Now don't get me wrong I so want to go shopping but I will resist for the most part. We all know this means that the countdown for Christmas has began.




Christmas Countdowns



So for those of you who will brave the crowds on tomorrow...Happy shopping