What is Holding You Back From Your Dreams?

This is a question that I have asked myself over the years. What is really holding me back? I tell myself that I don't know but I do know that it is a journey that I must undertake. Whatever holds us back causes us to continuously fall short of achieving our dreams. Me, well I have always been a dreamer, however, over the years I have allowed my dreams to become stifled. I am now in the process of trying to recapture that spirit that allowed me to dream. I am trying to recapture that drive that I had before that will embolden me to move forward. When you allow your dreams to die you slowly begin to die yourself. I know that we have many reasons for putting our dreams and ourselves on the back burner. I would venture to say that this is a huge contributing factor to why many of us have found ourselves overweight. Now there are always reasons...family, school, work, illness, death, moving...you can go on and on and on. However, we need to take some time to stop and realize that we cannot be good to those around us when we fail to be good to ourselves. I am not judging. I am simply stating what I have done. I have been instrumental in helping countless others achieve their dreams. I love to see those I love happy and I do whatever I can to make sure that they are. At the same time however, I put me and my dreams on the back burner. I used to feel as if it was selfish to explore my dreams and therefore they have begun to fade. But...it is not too late. I am asking you to join me. I am going to consciously start seeking my dreams once again. This does not mean that I am going to stop helping others but I will stop holding myself back. I will stop allowing my body image to hold me back. I will stop allowing others to put me last while constantly putting them first. I will continue to grow, to love, and to dream. I invite you to do the same. Let me know by leaving a comment what dream you are going to explore. Don't wait until you get thin start on it now! If you are willing to share I would love to hear it.

Thank You Body!

You know I did something that I try to avoid as much as possible these days and that is look in the mirror. I mean really look. I do this to make sure that my clothes, makeup and hair look presentable or that my fat rolls are not really apparent. But today I really took a good look. I took the time to look at my round face, my breast, my belly, my thighs, yes I took a minute to take it all in. I would be the first to admit that my body is no where near what I want it to be BUT IT IS MINE. I have over the years allowed myself to go out of control. I have ballooned to the heaviest weight of my life and this is not good. As a result of the extra weight I have water retention, I have PCOS, and I was recently diagnosed with a mild case of sleep apnea that the doctor said could honestly go away with weight loss.

When people see me they don't believe that I could be shy or insecure on some levels. However, I am here to tell you that it is true. I have allowed myself to sit in the corner and hold the purses while all of my friends dance. I have allowed my spark to hide behind my fat. I have allowed my self worth to be determined to a great deal by the outside package. It is possible to be those things and appear to be part of why I have allowed my body to become as the charts would put it morbidly obese. I have gone on this journey in the past only to fail again and again. I have made excuses like I am just a big girl. I don't look that big. I like me the way I am. But today I am saying here and now that this will be my journey to success. I am going to let my little light shine (or rather my spark :) ). My journey to my current weight was not a short one. I have always been taller than average. I have always been a little larger but it was in my early 20's that I started to creep up more and more and more. I remember the first time that I topped 200 lbs and I was devastated but like many things in life I allowed myself to be okay with that until the weight continued to pile on. I refuse to be looking back talking about when I first topped 300 lbs and so on and so forth.

So where do I start? Well I am on SparkPeople again. I am also using my tools from WW and I am trying to really look inside to figure out what is eating me that keeps me from putting myself and my health first. While I have been gaining the weight my body has still been allowing me to be relatively healthy. I don't have high blood pressure, I don't have diabetes, I don't have high cholesterol, and I can finish most workouts that I start. Therefore I want to start out by thanking my body for not giving up on me even when it appears that I have given up on it! THANK YOU BODY!!!!!!

Now I owe you! I promise to honor you the best way that I know how. I will use the resources that I have to make sure that you are strong and healthy. I will make sure that you represent the beauty that I have inside. I will even love you the way that are today because you have not betrayed me the way that I have betrayed you. Although loving you the way that you are is empowering it does not mean that we will not change together. I will love you as we evolve but I will not beat myself or you up for not being what I want right now.

So thank you body. Thank you so much even though I have let you down. I will continue to be me but better. I thank you for hanging in there with me.

Together we are going to do this thing and be better for it. I'm not the average girl from your video, and I ain't built like a supermodel but I learned to love my self unconditionally because I am a queen. my worth is not determined by the price of my clothes, no matter what I am wearing I will always be me (paraphrase from India.Arie's song Video). Love, Me

Wow, I Can't Believe It!

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Honestly, I really feel as if I have a ton to say but I don't always find the time to sit down and share it all. I recently had my 39th birthday and needless to say it has shaken me up a bit. I don't mean this in a bad way because I honestly feel that I only have two options I can keep living and in turn keep getting older or I can die. Uhhh, I choose the former. With that in mind I came back here to look at the goals that I set when I turned 38 to see where I am. I did okay but not great. I have had some things go on with me in my life in the past year that have taught me a few things. Some of the lesson have been hard and I am sure that in some form or another I will share them at some point on this blog. Well this is what I laid out last year...let's check my progress:

• Continue to exercise and finally put a bigger dent in my weight loss (still working out but I have not lost anymore weight. I am moving this to my list for this year because I refuse to give up!). I know that I need to set more concrete goals so I will start holding myself more accountable on this blog and on my page on Sparkpeople.com. Look me up as Mslady327.
• Continue to improve myself financially (yes work on getting out of debt) I am doing a debt repayment plan and trying to start working on building up my savings...hopefully I will be almost done by this time next year
• Pay more attention to my personal style (I do good with this most days but I am becoming pretty "regular" with my choices. ) I want to feel more confident as well. I don't always feel as if my style truly reflects who I am on the inside. I think that I allow what is going on with me taint that...work in progress
  
• Take steps towards a career that I truly love- I applied to a grad program for education but I have not done much more. I was actually thinking about joining a nationally known program to do this quicker but I missed the deadline. I may even do this for next year. I have also started working on "the next great chic lit"

• Turn at least one of my ideas into a moneymaker - see above
  
• Focus more on the positive - I do this daily so this is ongoing.

• Get my motorcycle license-checking into classes for the spring.

People are asking me how does it feel to be 39 and I can only say at this time that it feels the same as 38 but I guess it sneaks up on you. Well until next time

Peace and Blessings

Fab Girl