Time To Change My Approach

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - The Serenity Prayer

For those of you who are not familiar with the above it is the prayer that is used in many twelve step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous. For many years I have heard or seen some version of the above prayer. I have seen it hanging in offices. I have seen it on a co-workers desk. I have even whispered it myself a few times. The purpose of the prayer is to allow the person saying it to realize that they can be agents of change but they have to know when and what they are able to change. I think to myself how often I wish certain things or certain people will change. Personally, I am going through this right now. I find myself wishing that people would do things differently or that they would treat me differently. Heck, I find myself wishing that things were just different. Well wish as I may the thing that is apparent is that I have control over myself and that is the one entity that I can change for sure.

How do I change myself without changing who I fundamentally am. To me this is much easier said than done. I have friends and family alike who don't see the big deal but for me it is just that. This is especially true if you have been doing the same things for so long. What do you do when it is part of your identity to be the loving, caring, supportive, fun, dependable person but at the same time you never really have any of that returned to you? How do you tell the difference between what can be changed and what cannot be changed so in effect how do you know the difference? I guess like the programs that use this prayer this is a process that must be taken in steps. I recently came across some advice that I am going to try and follow. It states the following:

• Accept people as they are- This may seem like a no-brainer but my friend Ms.Nikki points this out very clearly in one of her recent post called Take The Hint that people let you know who they are by their actions. It really does not take rocket science...and you should not be "trying to figure it out" when it is right there all along.
• How can I respond differently to relationships that I am in where I am wishing they would change? Basically, I guess I need to stop wishing they would change and accept them for the less perfect than me person that they are :). Seriously, I choose my responses right? People can only treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. Wow this is a big one for me because I am often torn because I want to still respect the person (a parent or other elder for example) but at the same time I am often so pissed at the treatment that it will send me to tears. There has to be a middle ground or maybe the only ground is that I need to check them before they wreck me.
• What boundaries if any do I need to set in order to protect my own peace and serenity? Boundaries are a must. I have to repeat to myself that people will only treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. Boundaries are a must. People will only do what you let them do. For example I don't like being taken for granted. Don't get me wrong I don't need accolades for everything that I say and/or do for a person but on occasion a show of appreciation is well...appreciated. It should also not be assumed that this is what I am going to do or that in some way I am supposed to do it.
• Have I met the request to change? Whoa hold up wait a minute this is not about me changing right? But it is. There are ways that I can change. I may have to adapt. Is this possible without changing my core as I stated earlier? It has to be. I am believer that we continually evolve throughout our lives in no way should we remain static. However special attention may have to be paid to certain areas. One of the hard facts to swallow is that maybe it is me that should change. Maybe the people in my life have been telling me that I am the one that needs to change. I don't always see this but it could be up for discussion.
• Self Reflection- I am all for self reflection...almost to a fault. I know that by looking inward I am often able to see things that I can adjust. This is an ongoing exercise that I encourage.

That is all for now. I will keep thinking and I will keep you updated.

Peace and Blessings,

Me